So I realize that I haven't been posting for a while now . Why ? Idk, school ? People ? Family ?

You're right . It's all of those . School is just . . . same as always . Nothing excites me, feeling of being left out comes and goes, bad marks, etc . People ? I just feel betrayed by a few of them . Thank God it's not by the people in my usual circle of friends, but I meant the people outside . The people who I do talk to normally, but don't go to school with me . Huge sense of betrayal there . But people . . . School . . . Right now, none of that matters to me . It's my FAMILY that's screwing me up .

As some of you might know, remember that fiasco that happened last year where the 12-year-old-whore reported sexual abuse in my home ? You think nothing could be worse than that. . . But hell you were wrong . The tears ? Quadruple the amount . The screaming ? Triple . That stupid child who lives with me running away from home ? Yeah, it happened . Of course, she got tired of always being yelled at cause she NEVER LISTENS and dramatically told my mother how she wanted a break from this "wretched home for a week" . My mom poured her heart out, cried, stayed in her room sitting in the same position for 3 hours and cried until I came in . After I came into her room to check on her, my mother sat there for 20 minutes, wiping off all the tears, the runny nose, and drool that would occasionally slip out, then finally talked to me . What she said to me after completely shocked me, yet this still never came across that whore's mind to give my mom a break . What did my mom say that was so bad ? "Jessica, am I really bad mother ?" . Yeah, laugh all you want, that may be something pretty stupid to ask, but this is my MOM . She never doubts herself, and she definitely never lets something like this get to her that badly !

I feel utterly useless lately . With my friends, I can't help them with their studies, cause I'm just too dumb . I'm not at their intelligence level at the moment due to high level stress . With my family, all I can do is just sit there, cry and hug my mom, hoping everything will be over . As I type right now, my mom is downstairs with that whore, talking and talking . Yelling, crying, trying to knock sense into that bimbo's head . Is it working ? No . That idiot still fights back, after 2 days of straight arguing, and still insists she needs to get away from this house . Sure, if she were a mature adult, I'd feel bad and probably let her go where she wants for a while . . . But I highly doubt that I would feel the same for some stupid little 12 year old that refuses to listen to anyone except for her obviously wrong friends ! I can't do anything though . . . All I can do is cry . . . and cry . . . and cry . How pathetic am I ? Forget not being able to open up and trust my closest of friends. . . I can't even keep my own family, whom I've been living with for 15 years, happy !

I'm sad to admit this, but I tried being the . . . older sister figure, for that whore, and what did I get in return ? More attitude, a slap to the face, and her running away at 11 AM when she knew full well I was on meds due to my fever, and my mom was at church . Hell, that idiot even left a stupid run away letter, stating how she looves her mother so much, and how she just, oh so dearly needed that break .
 
My @$$ .

I'm so sorry that I just haven't been the normal me lately . I've been complaining a hell lot . . . Trying way too hard to be happy when obviously I'm not . . . It's hard though . When the New Year hits you, and all that's been happening from beginning til now was just horrible . . . I'm sorry .

I'll get better soon . From my fever and stress . But as of this month of January, I just don't know if I'll be up to it . If you guys can deal with me til the end of this month, then thanks . I don't expect you to, cause I'd get pissed too if my friend was constantly depressed 24/7 . . . But I just hope you do .

Anyways, I should head off now . We're finalizing all this crap I don't know about to dis-own the mutt and make her live somewhere else . If you read this, and see me tomorrow, don't feel bad for me, or try to make it better . Just smile and say hi, and I'll feel like the sun just shone in my face .

Tonight has been a really good night . (: .

Highlights of my night:

• He does like me back . (: .
• Lemons are damn funny to talk to at 2 AM . AHAHAHAHAHAHA .
• I've finally a new inspiration for a picture to add to my photography gallery ! =D .
• I learned how to play the cello solo for Libertango on the flute ! =D . It's actually quite easy .
• For the first time in quite a while, I felt that burst of pure joy hit me like a bomb .

Yes, my night went pretty well . Let me expand on all of those (or few) points above shall we ? Yeah . So, at 1 AM, the boy I like very much calls just because . He always calls this regularily . In a huge fit of curiosity, we spend half an hour trying to discover who it is that I like . After giving too many hints, I demand who it is that he likes, if he does like anyone . I was so sure in my head that he didn't . I was pretty wrong wasn't I ? The hints he gave me ? She's tall, black hair, Vietnamese, pretty, plays instruments, and her last name is L - E . Aha, yeah, the last hint hit me like a brick, and when I asked if it was me, he did say yes . (: . That's when the burst of joy hit me . After 3 years of mourning for Kazuki, 3 years of waiting for someone to come by, he, the third guy I ever considered came along . 3 is my lucky number no ? No, I'm not going out with him though . Yet . He's still yet to know that I even like him back . XD !!!

Asides from that, I had a pretty long random talk with Sunshine . LOL, feast your eyes on the prime example of what I mean by random:



Libertango - Astor Piazzolla

This is like . . . honestly my favorite composition . xP . I love it so much . If I wasn't occupied by playing the flute, I'd choose to play cello anyday . But listen to the Cello solo in this, you should be able to tell, if you can't . . . wow . =.= . But yeah, playing that on flute actually isn't as hard as I thought it was !

Anyways, I have to go sleep now . (: . Goodnight world !

So . . . I have no homework . Prince-of-VBall died all of a sudden, and I've nothing to do . WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY TODAY !?!?

In other news, I had a lo of fun at the Snowball dance yesterday . (: . I got to see some old friends and such, and yeah, I surprisingly did dance a lot ! I can't wait for next year's Spring Fling . Somebody at the dance tapped my shoulder just to tell me I looked beautiful in my dress ! XD . That was sweet of him . (: . Best part of the night, I think was the ride home I got from a cop ! LOL . My science teacher, Mr. Lee, overheard me stating that I didn't have a ride home cause my mommy was sick, so he went and found a cop that was acting as security at the doors . The cop was headed towards Malborough to check up on people paying train fares anyways, so I was lucky . Guns are so cool . I swear to God . He let me look at it while we were in the car, and like, during that time, he was also telling me what it was like to be a police officer ! XD That was so cool . . .

But yeah, I'm so bored right now, and I noticed that Sunshine had some survey on her LJ, so . . . COPY & PASTE ! I have nothing better to do . . .

Do you know how to change a diaper?
Yeah . It's not fun . XD .

Describe the last person that held your hand.
Mmmm . . . Quite funny actually, nobody has ever held my hand in a while cause I just think hand-holding is a bit awkward . But thinking back 2 weeks, he's a nice guy . (: .

What is the funniest text in your inbox?
"LOL fuck the government !" - There's honestly a huge story behind this, but I am too lazy to say !

Does the person you fell hardest for still talk to you?
He's dead . =_= . But if you'd like me to talk about someone who's ALIVE, then yeah he still does . I still like him too . LOL .

In the last month have you hugged somebody?
Well, yeah . O-O;; . . . I'd have to be pretty anti-social and/or weird if I don't give out hugs for the hell of it .

Do you know what an oxy-moron is?
OF COURSE I DOOOO . XD . This idiot has a pretty big vocabulary you know . (:

Have you ever given someone that weighed more than you a piggy back ride?
No, not really . . . O-O;; . I don't give piggyback rides .

Have you ever purposefully made someone angry just because it was funny?
LOL YESS !!

Where does the other sock end up?
I think it ends up at the grumpy dudes house in Halloween Town ? =S . That's what I saw in the movies .

Is there someone in your life you'd never want to lose; ever?
My mom . ): . I'd be crying like a mad bitch if I lost her .

Do you ever use lyrics to explain how you're currently feeling?
No . =_= . That's too . . . I can't describe it . I just don't .

When was the last time you got your hair cut? How much did you get cut off?
Before the school year started . I cut off half of my hair . Maybe a bit more . O-O .

Are you one of those people who tends to often feel lovely?
Feel lovely . . . ? =S . Nah, I usually have a low self-esteem, so feeling lovely is not in my system .

What was the highlight of your day?
Cat got its tail ran over by a car . XD . Sadistic, but holy shit I loved that !

Who was the last person you IMed?
Prince-ofVBall perhaps ?

How long are your usual showers?
An hour . Shut up, I like those long hot showers .

Do you take morning showers or night showers?
Night . xP .

Where are your parents?
My mom is downstairs watching dramas . And my dad is in Vietnam . Like he always has been for the past 6 - 7 years .

Do you give your best friend of the opposite sex a lot of hugs?
Yeah ^^ . I love his hugs .

Which one of your friends has the nearest birthday?
Nearest birthday coming up ? Uhh . . . Mitchie's is coming up on the 10th of December . O-O;; . But if you're talking about a friend who's birthday is closest to mine, then . . . Marco's . He's 2 days older than I am . XD .

Do you use Google as your spell check?
Nope ! My spelling iz tha bestest arowned .

Who's your second period teacher?
Mrs. Hnatiuk for Religion 15 on day A, and Ms. Goldade for Honors PE on day B.

Who sits beside you in your period 2 class?
Well . . . Idk how this came to happen suddenly, but Sunshine on my left, and . . . f*** I-forgot-her-name on the right .

What time does your school get out?
3:34 ? =S . That's what the answer on Sunshine's survey said .

Do you get up when your alarm rings or do that "five more minutes" routine?
9 minutes . XD !

Do you laugh when you see the number 69?
XD Yess !

Which uncle do you see the most of?
Uncle 6 ? =_= Even if I hate him a lot .

What's the weirdest nickname you've ever had?
Well . . . I have Tree-Hugger, Hippie, Klutz-Butt, Forky, Pocky-Addict, Big-Ass, aaand . . . . no clue .

What's your favorite genre of movie?
Horror/Thriller's (: . Nah, I really don't like those movies where it's just a huge build-up of people popping out of no where and BOOM, you're dead . But they have to have a good story line, and some originality . A lot of blood is good too . (: . But holy crap, I'd like it if there's not a sex scene almost every 10 minutes ! We all know the horny teenagers get killed first . Second being the crack-addicts .

What were you doing at 2:17PM today?
Sleeping actually . I was so exhausted from the dance, I slept from 12 AM - 3 PM .

Do you like talking on the phone?
I don't actually talk on the phone a lot . Exceptions being Spoony and Prince-of-VBall .

What kind of humor suits you more- irony or sarcasm?
Both . XD I'm sort've leaning a bit closer to irony though .

How many people do you seriously hate?
Seriously hate ? Like hate to the point where you would take your chance to kill them if you could ? One person .

Is your crush nice to you? or do you not have one right now?
Yes, yes he is (: . He's a bit on the perverted side, and mean to me in a joking kind of way most of the times, but it's a good balance of everything . One of the reasons why I like him . (:

Are you one of those girls who thinks their fat even though you're skinny?
No . Sorta ? I dunno . I'm not like, skinny like a stick or anything . I'm just average . A little bit on the chubbier side I guess ? I just know I'm not stick-

Did you ever own a Tamagotchi?
Ever seen what my e-mail is ?

When you were a little kid did you play with barbies or toy cars more?
Cars . LOL .

Do you say OMG or Oh my god?
I actually say OH MY GOD . XP . Only person I know who actually says OMG out loud is pretty weird, a bit on the fruit cake side .

Aren't blue eyes just the prettiest?
On asians, no . On people who naturally have them, yeah . But I prefer green eyes .

Are you a total bitch to people without meaning to be?
I can be yeah . I sometimes don't notice until the day is done, then I go into PANIC MODE .

Seventeen magazine or cosmo girl? or neither?
Wtf are those two anyways ? Do I look like the type of person who would read these things ?

Isnt it stupid when surveys ask for your name?
Yeah . Nuff said .

Would you rather read a long ass book or write a 10 page essay?
Long book ! Well, if it's good yeah . O-O;; .

Have you ever thought "I want to be with this person forever"?
Truthfully, yeah, I have . But that wish came to an end lonnngg time ago . XD

Do you like the school you go to?
Not really . If I had to be truthful, the people there are great . But the ride there and back is a pain in the ass . Sometimes I get annoyed by the people constantly around me, and . . . that's it I guess . I still like some things about it though . No worries .

Whats it called?
St. Mary's Senior High School!

Do you have any posters with hott guys in them up on your walls?
I used to . I took em all down though . If I could, I'd get myself a poster of Tom Felton and Taylor Lautner . LOL . ++ Uruha too . <3 .

Skittles! Whats your favorite color?
Hmm . . . Yellow, Green or Orange . I like all the citrus flavors . (: .

Do you talk crap about some of your friends?
Talk crap ? Like make up shit about them and then say how stupid and horrible of a person they are ? No . I do, however, tend to set complaints absent-mindedly about how some people can be so selfish . Even if I'm probably a hypocrite sometimes .

Is there a guy that your REALLY MEAN to?
Aha, yeah . But it's like just for fun . He knows it, and he's mean to me back .

What would you do if someone ran up and hugged you?
Well, depends who it is . If it's someone I like, I hug back . If it's someone I dislike, I just stand there and smile .

Have you ever lied about your gender?
Yup ! Turned out way different than what I expected also !

Do you know anyone else with your last name other than family?
Yes . His last name is spelt differently, but hey, it sounds the same . I also have some childhood friends too .

Does anyone have a crush on you?
I don't think so . It'd be nice to know if somebody did though . Maybe that would boost my self-esteem up a bit . =S .

What's your best friend's ex's name?
Jorrell . And good fucking god he annoys me .

When was the last time you laughed?
Like for real laughed ? I dunno . I haven't found anything to be truly funny in a while . Mostly, I'm down in the dumps .

WOOOW, that took me half an hour to do . XD ! Well, I'm tired now . Going to bed . NIGHT !